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procrastination, in words

 Three years of academic training, yet nothing has changed. Essay is due in twenty-four hours. Not an article read. What I’ve learned in philosophy? I have learned to be more methodical, rational, and analytical. But what use is this when one does not want to become a lawyer or an academic? I’ve gotten what I came for out of London… off to the next.  Deciding on traveling plans for the summer. I have some money saved up and I intend on using it on a one month excursion. I can do a lavish and extended India trip, or a very tight West Africa trip. The Middle East is also looking attractive. I have set aside South America as it seems more easily accessible from LA. I head off to Cairo on Monday. Having second thoughts. My eagerness for tiring travels has somewhat waned; I crave something more comfortable, something more familiar. Which is why I will head off on Monday again to someplace strange and uncomfortable, in order to throw myself back out there.  

a sentence on love, then a rant on religion

Dating really sucks. Actually, I suck, apparently. I am not up to par with the standards of these men I have been on dates with; not vegan enough, not man enough (blame your own homosexuality, sir!), not Christian enough, not coy enough, not Japanese enough, and the list goes on. Aside from the Christianity thing, I can understand.

No, of course I can comprehend why one would want to share the same beliefs as their mate. Not only does it have moral implications, but it also seeps into the routine of day to day living. This year, I met a guy I was starting to like… but now I know that friendship is the only possible final destination, as I do not share his beliefs. 

 My faith is in atheism; I believe that god does not exist. But in argument, I always appeal to agnosticism, as I do not believe that the existence of such an entity can be ascertained… ever. To quote Bertrand Russell, ”I would never die for my beliefs; I could be wrong”. That is my take on religion in general, a very skeptical, more contextualist approach to truth and existence; I hold a pseudo-solipsistic view.

I don’t look down or mock those who do have a faith in a religion, despite the tendency of many atheists.I do have a keen interest in the occult and supernatural, but I find it to be more of a hobby. I am constantly mocked by friends and acquaintances for my fervid enthusiasm for such ’silly’ and ‘universally applicable’ readings of human nature.

But Then I have to ask, how, if this WAS indeed my belief, rather than say, just an interest, what makes their faith more conceivable than mine? Who are they to judge? I am constantly interrogated and questioned by the enlightened religious. How can I believe in such things? Do I really think that there is an order to the universe, and that such patterns can be discerned? They call me dumb. The reasons for why my faith seems to be an inconceivable hoax and bogus are the same reasons why I find theirs to be just as unbelievable.

Suppose one were to be in a state of religious tabula rasa, and I told you the following: So, this prophet was born from a virgin, and yes, she NEVER had sex, and her husband can testify on her behalf. This prophet was then was crucified in order to martyr himself for all the sins of every human being in the universe, and came back to life seven days later. If you love him, you will live a life, of course after you die, of eternal bliss. He knows what you do, every second, wherever you are. And he loves you. 

Doesn’t it sound just as silly as my supposed faith, the faith that there is an order to things, and some people have the ability to tap into such patterns?When contrasted to the laws of rationality, they both sound like nonsense. But it is okay, as long as we understand they are held up as faith, not brute fact. What I don’t like about religion is when people take it to be beyond a faith, and for it to be an irrefutable truth, and those who try to impose their beliefs on others. (And if you DO want to argue from a historical standpoint, even the occult has its historical roots, too.) 

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hold any grievances towards Christianity, or any other religion per se, even in its most radical form. It is one thing to assert to oneself and have faith that the sweet elderly man next door will burn in hell, despite spending his life in third world countries as a voluntary nurse. You can hold the opinion that stem cell research is fundamentally unethical, despite its potential to further human longevity and quality of life, ease the pain of many undeserving victims, and the potential discovery of a panacea for long term illness. Hell, I can even deal with pro-life fanatics who find that abortion is wrong, even in cases of incest, gang-rape, and even in the rare case of the eleven year old who unfortunately go her period a bit early, unbeknownst to the pedophilic neighbor who takes care of her while mommy works after school. Even holding a prejudice towards LBGT community is understandable too (and I don’t appeal specifically to Christianity in this case, Islam is included; remember the outrage in the human rights community, when the Islamic Republic of Iran had two young gay lovers sentenced to death for engaging in sodomy?) 

What I DO have a problem with are actions motivated by faith, which DO have implications on other members within society. I am not only appealing to obvious cases, such as pro-choice Christian fanatics bombing and murdering clinics, or even the radical Muslim who decides to walk bomb clad into a local café (which is ECONOMICALLY and POLITICALLY driven, and religion merely serves to suppress the fear of death. Most people fail to see this distinction).I am talking about the gap it creates with the rest of society. When people see religion as brute fact, rather than a personal faith, this is when trouble arises. Even the keen Christian philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard, asserted that a belief in god could be only that, a belief. The person’s faith was his and his only, a leap which he would decide to make himself. 

Why do we even bother teaching tolerance in schools, why have we fought against racism, sexism, or any other type of alienating prejudice? We haven’t really, because as humans, such prejudices are inevitable and the ideology still exists, deeply impressed in our minds. Women are less intelligent than men, the superiority of Aryanism, etc. Psychologically, we have the disposition to categorize and generalize, whether or not we are consciously aware of it. Then what is the difference? The distinction is that we do not ACT on them, and if we do, we will not be so easily dismissed. If we find our own race superior to that of another, you can choose to discard or maintain that belief. But you don’t act and find solace under the umbrella of that particular belief, as it is not tolerated. Society turns a blind eye to this type of human function in which we hold a belief, whether it be just or not, yet fail to act on them in fear of societal condemnation.

But it is only human nature to be prejudiced, and rationality which works out these kinks. I find cultural upbringing and especially religious inculcation to be the culprit of such beliefs, with freedom of maintaining them. But do you really have that freedom, especially if that is what you have been taught as a naïve child? Of course you have the freedom to raise your child in whatever way you find suitable. You teach your child the morals of the religion (which coincidentally happen to be parallel with that of universally accepted moral rules), the motions of practicing the faith, and to share these ideas in order to gain salvation, to pass on into an afterlife.

The passing on of religion has a cyclic pattern, since it is important that you ’spread the word of god’.Religion beyond belief breeds intolerance, exclusivity, and a gap which is created by the particular institution (religious).. and all who are not for it, are against. It is irresponsible for a parent to inculcate such complex and lasting notions into a naïve child’s head. This, I find unfair. I find it unfair to a child who knows no other. It also seems that vulnerable individuals tend to be the ones that adopt a religion in search of repentance, ie. social outcasts (rapists, murderers, etc). It is different from teaching a child the universally accepted laws of society; no violence, killing, stealing, etc. Those are commonly accepted, and as individuals who consent to the rules of the land, we adhere to an unspoken moral code.

Fans of religion often tend to argue that a system of morality is untenable without the buttress of religion. I don’t believe in an absolute right and wrong, but I do believe a social construction which we consent to and abide by. Many people adhere to moral laws in fear; I believe that we should respect moral laws because we SHOULD, rather than in fear of punishment. I don’t think we are inherently ethical souls, I believe we create a standard for ourselves and for the society in which we choose to live. ‘Do unto others as you would want others do unto you’. I believe secularity will be the religion of the world someday, not because all of humanity becoming corrupt and damned, but rather because we are enlightened, and we can discern faith from truth. We can still be religious, have faith, and go through the motions, just without the bloodshed.

Why do people hate the modern world so much, and why all othe fear of a secular world? Even within religious groups, despite being ‘religious’, secularity seeps into daily routines, as we begin to abandon traditional ideas of what religion should be. But you know what, it works. I am all for separation of church and state, and the teaching of philosophy as a foundation, BEFORE religion. Otherwise, you don’t have that option! Just some thoughts…I find religion to be appealing in that an individual can become a member of a close knit and binding community in which they can feel superior to ‘outsiders’. As warm and fuzzy as it may sound, I find religion to be disenchanting for these same reasons.

Across the dinner table from No One.

I cannot believe that over a month has passed already this year. I have not been settling back into my life here in London as easily this time around. I know it is my last semester but I am still having a hard time enjoying Europe. Loneliness creeps in when the commotion fades. The most difficult aspect of mourning is coming into a new existence without those surrounding you noticing a thing. They marginalise changes as being changes in mood. It is hard being different in the same atmosphere because the change happens in the blink of an eye. It is not hard to cope with death of a loved one because they are gone; the hardest stage is accepting the notion that you are still here and they are not.  My melancholy lingers on, unnoticed by friends here in London. I hold no grudges at all. I know I have to deal on my own. My life here is rather sleepy; a coffee or two here and there, squeeze in a lunch or two. I miss my active lifestyle in LA. The animals. Plastic smiles. Fat-free sugar-free foods. I miss the constant influx of friends and acquaintances. I miss bickering with family.  I do not remember being ever so needy. Loneliness is magnified by unanswered phone calls. So I have stopped dialing.  But not to worry… I have a trip planned to Cairo from the 11^th through the 18^th. I am having difficulty finding a couchsurfing host for that time period so I may end up in a hostel, which I do not mind at all. Cairo is not my most desired destination, but it is the furthest I could get away from Europe without leaving the region. I abandoned my plans to visit family in Japan. Why do I always succumb to wanting to be indefinitely uncomfortable?

The anti-Islamaphobe

April of 2007:  

Pardon my crudeness, but holy fucking hell, you STUPID FUCKING AMERICANS!
Current mood: cynical

In response to an angry, anti-Islamic craigslist political forum rant, I posted the following response:“Dear Sir/Madam,I can clearly see where you are coming from. I have watched American news channels from here in London; there are daily reports of bombings, murders, and violence. I can see how you have come to make the causal connection between Islam and Violence.It has been constantly asserted that Islam is a religion of violence, and the Quaran does seem to condone such behaviour in order to defend the religion. It is true. The scripture does allow for violence under particular circumstances, which may lead to suicide bombers and other violent protesters to justify their actions through such means.But also, please do consider the following.Those who do commit such horrendous acts against humanity do so not simply because of religious reasons, but also for economic and political reasons. Those who do choose to engage in such acts of violence are those with nothing to lose; they come from a poor socioeconomic background with no hope for the future. They have no job opportunity and reside within a country which does not have the financial means to support them. Thus, they are attracted to ideals and causes. Do you see Muslim men in Doha driving up to financial buildings and blowing themselves up? No, because they have a future. The profile of those who tend to blow themselves up are usually of poor economic and politically unstable backgrounds; the recent bombings in Algeria, Casablanca, etc… they are poor individuals without a future. The Palestinians in Israel, treated like cattle. Do you blame them for retaliating?Also, Islam is one of the fastest growing religions in the world. If your assertion is true, and if Islam does equate to violence, with 1.6billion people, there would be much more violence in the world. But most of the Muslim population are peace loving, human beings, just like you and I.Also, such acts are constantly condemned by religious leaders, as they are not an accurate reflection of Islamic views. Just as you get bombers who kill innocent physicians and nurses who perform abortions, you get a few bad apples in every religion. As a rational being, you can’t make such outlandish generalisations.Perhaps you should do a little research before making such outbursts on a political forum. “

I thought it was a docile but potent response to the uneducated and uninformed SHIT that he spewed out of his ass that has never been seated on an international flight. His rant was that of a man who relied on fox news for in depth reporting, and that of NO MERIT whatsoever.AND THEN SOMEONE FLAGGED IT AND IT WAS REMOVED! WHAT THE HELL?!I’ve always been pro-America. At the onset of the Iraqi war, I backed Bush. Then when no WMD were found, I did a 180, which also coincided with my first move out of the country. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been an All-American, blond-haired, blue-eyed beach girl, on the outside. I’m your average Manhattan Beach twinkie. I was raised in a caucasian household with traditional American values. I find the shallowness of LA endearing and comforting, and embrace it for what it is. How can you not love it, when you always know what is coming around the corner ? I love the nonchalant (except when it pertains to animals and greenery!), laid-back spirit of California which is somewhat remains instilled in me. But now, I have my doubts about returning home. I revere the way in which America willingly plays the role of the ‘bad guy’ in order to make the world a better place. America should, as the most powerful state, endeavour to set the moral standard for the rest of the world.Yes, I LOVE America, but I have my doubts. Can you imagine how people must view us?! I don’t have to imagine, it has been embedded into my daily routine. Every time I order a cabsav in Soho, or a latte at Cafe Flore, or when I would try to bargain in Marrakech, people smell the stench– She looks Japanese, but she’s one of THEM. BUT, more often than not, I am treated as an individual being, rather than a mere extention of American Foreign Policy. And THAT is the DISTINCTIVE line between your average American and the THE REST OF THE WORLD.MOST AMERICANS WILL GENERALISE AND REFUSE TO RELINQUISH THEIR VIEWPOINT, ESPECIALLY the most STUPID ones! Even your well educated and politically aware American has a tough time reconsidering his viewpoint, and are set in their ways. Haven’t you considered… YOU COULD BE WRONG! (Which is why I would have voted for Kerry, despite the flip-flopping issue. There isn’t anything wrong about reconsidering your position about something which could have detrimental implications for lives of others).Whenever I come across an anti-American person here and there, I would discuss, deal, and wonder WHY and HOW they could make such generalisations. But now I really see where they are coming from. I can forgive, and even abashedly appreciate, how insular America is; I LOVE the feeling of not giving a shit about the rest of the world every time I come home. But folks, wake up and smell the flowers, cause globalisation is coming to a place near you, really, really soon. The world is shrinking, so stop making enemies cause they are just one jet set away!Read up, before you come to me and make the assertion that Islam is an inherently violent religion, or that Muslims are unmodern and backwards in their ways. I would suggest Al-Jazeera, BBC, and other sources of information which are less biased than your typical American media outlet. (A friend who visited States recently commented on how much he was entertained by Fox news… car chases and Afro-Ameri-criminals!) And by the way, you should refer to these countries as DEVELOPING, not THIRD-WORLD, like they do in Hollywood films.So don’t ask me why I want to study Arabic, or why I am so intrigued by the Middle East. Those things aren’t necessarily synonymous with ISLAM and SUICIDE BOMING. Correct me if I am wrong, but Arabic is about the fifth most widely spoken language in the world (spoken in over 22 different countries!), and you would realise that people are people, unless they’re from Mars. Just realise that and we could all just make up and spoon.Blame the person, not the gun. (And don’t get me started that Korean loser! RIP, victims)N.B.- Economics and politics are THE determinate causes. Religion is the medium through which these vile actions are justified.Sorry, just IRATE and even more Aggravated as I have exams starting monday.. 

My favourite person in the world may be making an exit soon; my grandfather is in critical condition with pneumonia at a local hospital. He seems much better than he was yesterday, yet I still feel death teetering. I have yet to undergo the stages of death… I have no idea how I am going to take it in.

slow sunday…

Came back from Southgate after spending time with a friend’s cousin’s children. I’m one to pretend that I don’t like children. I don’t want to be expected to play with them. But when no one is looking, I do. I find it funny when people are the opposite way around.

Going to catch up with an old friend! It is a bbq dinner but I think I will stick with a tuna salad instead. I realised I have forgotten my coat in the States… grrr….

scabs, splinters, and pricks.

My attempt to be productive failed immensely. I woke up around two am today. Missed meeting my acaemic tutor. I fell asleep to thoughts of a guy who completely blew me off twelve hours later the same day. I gracefully declined an implied friends with benefits request from him and he brashly replied with a text message stating complete and utter disinterest… after he received my text. I was slightly insulted, but hurt more than anything. I didn’t know anyone was like that, really. Typically people are sensible enough to comprehend that it isn’t my style at all. I guess I can’t blame people for their idiocy, just like how you can’t blame a person for being small-minded, immature, or hideous. It’s just like animals. They just don’t know any better. I know, the bitterness is seeping in. But I still refuse to be jaded. It will only affect myself in the end. And I will not be brought down by someone so insignifcant. I’m over it. Goodnight!

grey skies

London is cold. This cold is not limited to temperature. The entire atmosphere is cold. Stoic. Icy. I feel my body tense up when I walk the streets. I step back when I am spoken to by strangers. I have a constantly blank look on my face. I always clutch my purse tightly. I feel completely transformed everytime I arrive here. I miss the warmth of home. I miss my family. My friends. The beach.

replay

It is Wednesday morning in London. My hosts have already retired to bed and I have just woken from a seven hour nap. Each time I step on a plane to return to the same place, the world seems smaller. Each time I leave home, it seems closer than the last time I left. And each time I say goodbye, my heart sinks a little less. Should this be tolerated?

I have returned to life number three, where I speak less, laugh less, and eat more. I am not enirely unhappy nor am I entirely happy. I become a little more detached and a little less loving. My skin grows thicker and people become suspect. I assume this is to match the way I feel I am viewed here, and how people feel about me… less trusted, less loved, less.

I’ve already missed over a week of classes and I’ve much catching up to do.

It doesn’t feel too different being back. Just a slight regression.